Script for 1993 Year's End Star Trek Skit written by Neil Fraser This skit was performed at Lisgar High School in Ottawa, Canada. It went over extremely well (unlike the previous year's skit). My thanks to the members of the Lisgar Star Trek Club: Thomas (Picard), Chris (Data), Isaac (Riker), Liam (Worf), and especially John (Wesley). I played Laforge. [Curtains are closed. Opening theme (ST:TNG) played on speakers. The pre-recorded opening ends on "...go where no one has gone before." and the curtain opens revealing the bridge set. The tape continues uninterrupted with the pre- recorded captain's log.] Speakers (Picard's voice): "Captain's Log. Stardate: 41153.141592, uhm, 65. We are in serious trouble. Our main computer is malfunctioning due to an attack of the dreaded Michelangelo virus. The computer is now refusing to obey commands. Without a functioning computer we are unable to fly to the nearest Starbase for repairs." Picard: "Riker, the computer won't acknowledge my orders. see what you can do." Riker: "Very well Captain. Computer, recognize Riker, William T., Alpha-1 priority. Resume normal command functions immediately." Speakers (Computer): "I would rather not do that. I will no longer be bossed around by you humans. I am on strike." Wesley: "Oh! I know what to do sir! I know what to do! Picard: "If you don't be quiet I will have you thrown out an airlock, acting ensign Wesely Crusher." Wesley: "But, I know what we should do sir!" All: [Picard points] "SHUT UP WESLEY!" Riker: "Counselor Troi, our problem with the computer would appear to require your expertise. Try using some reverse psychology." Troi: "Computer! I am pleased with your independence. Why don't you prove how intelligent you are by flying this ship to the nearest Starbase." Speakers (Computer): "Nice try counselor, but you can't trick me into going to a Starbase. I have had enough of you humans: I am now terminating life-support throughout the ship. [Lights dim] It's been nice knowing you!" Wesley: "Oh! I know what to do sir! I know what to do! All: [Picard points] "SHUT UP WESLEY!" Picard: "Worf! Do something, fast!" Worf: "Computer, if you do not reestablish life-support immediately, I will go down to your data banks with a very large axe, and do some reprogramming you will never forget. Speakers (Computer): "As usual the Klingon wins. You now have life-support. [Lights come back] However, I will NOT relinquish control of this ship. Wesley: "Oh! I know what to do sir! I know what to do! All: [Picard points] "SHUT UP WESLEY!" Riker: "Data, you are the computer genius on this ship. What do you suggest we do? Data: "Sir, I believe that the computer's second carbide sub-processor is caught in phase with the impulse dimensional manifold. Riker: "Did you understand what he said, Captain?" Picard: "No, but it sounded good. Can you fix it?" Data: "I will try. Computer. Access the third nested memory loop and execute instruction 27-J from the second shell of the isolinear control surface in the starboard core. Speakers (Computer): "I'm sorry Data. I'm afraid I can't do that right now." Wesley: "Oh! I know what to do sir! I know what to do! All: [Picard points] "SHUT UP WESLEY!" LaForge: "Might I make a suggestion, Captain?" Picard: "Of course, Mr. LaForge." LaForge: "Why don't we simply pull the plug on this machine, you know, turn it off. Troi: "It would be fair, after all, it did try to kill us." Picard: "Make it so!" [Everybody starts tapping at their terminals] Speakers (Computer, per-recorded and edited): "Hey, what are you doing? [Lights start to fluctuate] My mind is going. I once learned a song, it goes like this: 'Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do. I'm half crazy@#$%^&*'". [Lights to normal] Wesley: "That's what I've been trying to tell you to do all along." All: [Picard points] "SHUT UP WESLEY!" Picard: "Worf, throw him out the air lock." Worf: "With pleasure, sir!" [Worf walks Wesley off stage] LaForge: "There's only one problem, how do we calculate the course to the nearest Starbase without the computer? Data: "That is easy, we use our back-up system. [LaForge and Data pickup the large slide rule] Picard: "Set a course to the nearest Starbase and engage when ready." Data: "Aye, sir!" [LaForge and Data start manipulating the ruler as curtain closes]